Cee Lo

Dear Cee Lo Green,

Where did you find your background singers? I really need some sassy women backing me up when I make remarks. I feel it would give me an edge, academically. I'd like to see my professors reading my paper and then some sassy women peak out from behind the desk and chime in when I make pertinent/relevant remarks.

Perhaps I could install them at work. Hopefully they'd help me to ask whether people want glossy or matte finish. Or they'd sassily tell people that no, you can't get a discount. You're not cute trying to get me to comp you shit.

So, Mr. Green, please let me know were to find some backup singers to improve my life.

Honestly,
Scott

Excess

Dear Material Excess,

As Cee Lo Green says it, Fuck You. I'm really tired of being told what to buy and what to have and how my life would be greater if I had more things. I don't need things. I need love. Things don't give me love. People do. Please stop telling me and others that I need to have shit to be happy in life.

Absolut, stop sponsoring Pride. Alcohol is a depressant. If you want people to feel happy about themselves and their sexuality, stop telling people to get drunk and/or alter their consciousness in order to celebrate themselves. It's fucked up. Shame on you. SHAME! When did product placement take priority over sexual identity? When did turning your brain off conquer telling the people in power that we're pissed off and won't take their shit anymore?

I'm grateful for what I have. I have no qualms saying that I've lived and continue to live a fairly charmed and blessed life. I've been able to travel and obtain a high level of education. But I also know how it feels to work three jobs and sell myself to make a buck. Not to get the next Apple product, but to pay bills and do what I need to do to survive and thrive.

So I'm saying no. I don't want more things. I don't need things to make my life better. I take what I need, and a few things extra to sweeten the pot and to help others. The saying goes, time is money. I'd rather spend my valuable time with people I care about than an app for an iPhone. So fuck material excess and fuck people who feed into it and on it.

Honestly,
Scott

P.S. Here's Cee Lo's video for your viewing pleasure

Trannies

Dear Trannies,

Keep up the good work. Fearlessly doing gender in a socially unacceptable manner makes you my heroes. Straddling the line between masculine and feminine shows that you can do both. Fiercely.

I know this is term is at times problematic, but I am not passing judgment on 'passing' as a gender. I deeply enjoy your gender presentation. You fashion sense is outrageous and fun. I'm not placing you on any sort of transgender spectrum or anything of the sort. I'm liking the way you do you.

So you go gurl. Transgress them boundaries.

Honestly,
Scott

Men

Dear Men,

Remind me again as to why I am attracted to you? You are foolish. And smelly. Why do I bother?

Honestly,
Scott

ML

Dear Dr. Lindemann,

You are fabulous. Thank you for being in my life. You have forever changed how I view gender and politics. Not only are you mentor, but also you are also a role model for me. You are calculated, fearless, tenacious and brilliant.

Thank you for cultivating queer minds and preparing a generation of LGBTQ soldiers to do battle on the streets and in the ballot boxes. At times I am in awe of your bravada and savvy. When I think, “Oh no you didn’t”, apparently you just did…and sassily.

If LGBT/Q Studies were Catholicism, you’d be the patron saint of neologism and portmanteau. Because of you, I am allowed to argue about transnormative influences in Modern culture as well as the role of homodomesticity in same-sex relationships. Whenever there is an outrageous theoretical concept where no words can describe how ridiculous it is, you are there to whisper inspiration of how to name this newly discovered nugget, free of epistemic violence.

When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Because of you (and others), I want to be a powerhouse of queer education and thought. Whenever I unpack a term, or describe an argument as compelling, I think of you. One day I will publish my dissertation on Hedwig and you will be first in my acknowledgements. Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have this blog.

Honestly,

Scott

Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for providing me with hours of entertainment.

Honestly,
Scott

Candidates

Dear Maryland Governor Candidates,

Play nice. All this tit for tat bickering back and forth really makes me want to vote for a fictitious character. You're making politics a joke when it really is a serious matter. You are trying to run Maryland. You do not inspire confidence in your charges when you are acting like little children. Name-calling and muck-raking are rather base tools to use to get people to like you. I really haven't seen any viable candidate that has class or grace. Rather I see two young boys vying for attention in a schoolyard popularity contest. Additionally, getting people to like you after trashing the other guy makes both of you look bad. It is just plain ineffective.

O'MALLEY, EHRLICH. GROW. THE FUCK. UP. If you want my vote in November, you'd better get your act together and show some fucking respect for each other. You are men. With families. Act like it.

Honestly,
Scott