Dave

Dear David,

I’m writing this because you’re too good for me. You are thin, successful, and have better sex than I do. I feel like I can no longer associate with you any further. I can and will never be as smart or witty as I feel I should be in order to maintain further contact with you. I regret to inform you that I’m too fucked up to create an effective relationship with you. I foresee that I will take more than I give. I’m not cute enough for you. I’m sorry I pursued you. I was wrong of me to lead you on like I was a functional individual. I would ask for your forgiveness, but I know that it doesn’t matter in the end. Not matter what, I’m the bad guy. I hope you have a good life of leisure. May your teas be well brewed, and your tattoos well cared for. No grudges.

Honestly,

Scott