Cee Lo

Dear Cee Lo Green,

Where did you find your background singers? I really need some sassy women backing me up when I make remarks. I feel it would give me an edge, academically. I'd like to see my professors reading my paper and then some sassy women peak out from behind the desk and chime in when I make pertinent/relevant remarks.

Perhaps I could install them at work. Hopefully they'd help me to ask whether people want glossy or matte finish. Or they'd sassily tell people that no, you can't get a discount. You're not cute trying to get me to comp you shit.

So, Mr. Green, please let me know were to find some backup singers to improve my life.

Honestly,
Scott

Excess

Dear Material Excess,

As Cee Lo Green says it, Fuck You. I'm really tired of being told what to buy and what to have and how my life would be greater if I had more things. I don't need things. I need love. Things don't give me love. People do. Please stop telling me and others that I need to have shit to be happy in life.

Absolut, stop sponsoring Pride. Alcohol is a depressant. If you want people to feel happy about themselves and their sexuality, stop telling people to get drunk and/or alter their consciousness in order to celebrate themselves. It's fucked up. Shame on you. SHAME! When did product placement take priority over sexual identity? When did turning your brain off conquer telling the people in power that we're pissed off and won't take their shit anymore?

I'm grateful for what I have. I have no qualms saying that I've lived and continue to live a fairly charmed and blessed life. I've been able to travel and obtain a high level of education. But I also know how it feels to work three jobs and sell myself to make a buck. Not to get the next Apple product, but to pay bills and do what I need to do to survive and thrive.

So I'm saying no. I don't want more things. I don't need things to make my life better. I take what I need, and a few things extra to sweeten the pot and to help others. The saying goes, time is money. I'd rather spend my valuable time with people I care about than an app for an iPhone. So fuck material excess and fuck people who feed into it and on it.

Honestly,
Scott

P.S. Here's Cee Lo's video for your viewing pleasure

Trannies

Dear Trannies,

Keep up the good work. Fearlessly doing gender in a socially unacceptable manner makes you my heroes. Straddling the line between masculine and feminine shows that you can do both. Fiercely.

I know this is term is at times problematic, but I am not passing judgment on 'passing' as a gender. I deeply enjoy your gender presentation. You fashion sense is outrageous and fun. I'm not placing you on any sort of transgender spectrum or anything of the sort. I'm liking the way you do you.

So you go gurl. Transgress them boundaries.

Honestly,
Scott

Men

Dear Men,

Remind me again as to why I am attracted to you? You are foolish. And smelly. Why do I bother?

Honestly,
Scott

ML

Dear Dr. Lindemann,

You are fabulous. Thank you for being in my life. You have forever changed how I view gender and politics. Not only are you mentor, but also you are also a role model for me. You are calculated, fearless, tenacious and brilliant.

Thank you for cultivating queer minds and preparing a generation of LGBTQ soldiers to do battle on the streets and in the ballot boxes. At times I am in awe of your bravada and savvy. When I think, “Oh no you didn’t”, apparently you just did…and sassily.

If LGBT/Q Studies were Catholicism, you’d be the patron saint of neologism and portmanteau. Because of you, I am allowed to argue about transnormative influences in Modern culture as well as the role of homodomesticity in same-sex relationships. Whenever there is an outrageous theoretical concept where no words can describe how ridiculous it is, you are there to whisper inspiration of how to name this newly discovered nugget, free of epistemic violence.

When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Because of you (and others), I want to be a powerhouse of queer education and thought. Whenever I unpack a term, or describe an argument as compelling, I think of you. One day I will publish my dissertation on Hedwig and you will be first in my acknowledgements. Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have this blog.

Honestly,

Scott

Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for providing me with hours of entertainment.

Honestly,
Scott

Candidates

Dear Maryland Governor Candidates,

Play nice. All this tit for tat bickering back and forth really makes me want to vote for a fictitious character. You're making politics a joke when it really is a serious matter. You are trying to run Maryland. You do not inspire confidence in your charges when you are acting like little children. Name-calling and muck-raking are rather base tools to use to get people to like you. I really haven't seen any viable candidate that has class or grace. Rather I see two young boys vying for attention in a schoolyard popularity contest. Additionally, getting people to like you after trashing the other guy makes both of you look bad. It is just plain ineffective.

O'MALLEY, EHRLICH. GROW. THE FUCK. UP. If you want my vote in November, you'd better get your act together and show some fucking respect for each other. You are men. With families. Act like it.

Honestly,
Scott

Steel Magnolias

Dear Steel Magnolias,

Where have you been all my life? It's like you concentrated all that is great about sassy, Southern women and distilled it into two hours of fabulousness. Really, it will be canonical movie for me. Along the lines as To Wong Fu and Hedwig.

You are filled with excellent one-liners. My feminine identity is inadvertently based on these strong women of class, style, wit and tenacity. These are all the qualities I look in a feminine-identified person. No wonder so many drag queens use you as a reference...I mean just LOOK at the costuming. Really, Dolly Parton's boobs should have received billing.

My Lutheran identity is drawn to the grace that all the characters have. For it is grace and grace alone that we are allowed to experience the Lord. So as I say my prayers, I will be asking the Almighty to give me the grace that those Steel Magnolias have.

Honestly,
Scott

Hazard Lights

Dear Hazard Lights,

Why do you feel it is appropriate to stop for no reason in the middle of the lane outside of Safeway? You signaled for me to move around, however you didn’t take into account how close I was to your rear bumper. Hazard lights are for when your are experience car troubles...not for when you feel like being a jackass.

I normally don’t use my horn, but in this case it was all I could do to get your attention to stop impeding the flow of traffic. It’s people like you that make my insurance go up. People who have seemed to forgot about any other motorist on the road. I’m sorry, but driving isn’t a solitary activity. You must be mindful of other drivers around you.

Getting mad at me for calling you out on your lack of driving skills and common courtesy has no merit. You really did deserve the finger I gave you. Really. Fuck you.

Honestly,

Scott

Painter

Dear Ms. Painter,

Please note that when you take my time at work, and use our equipment, you are stealing. I make a measly 2% commission on most of what I sell. By monopolizing my time with your stupid, pointless questions, you are actively taking money away from both me and my employer.

You confusion about how to operate basic electronics is startling. Do you live under a rock? Having to spell everything out for you was beyond tedious. This is neither the time nor the place for me to walk you through how to use a DVD. If you are wanting to know about advanced electronics, please have at least some notion about how to use the service you requested.

Asking me questions from across the store is not appropriate, especially when you see I’m busy working in the lab is inconsiderate. You’re lack of knowledge of how to operate simple electronics does not take precedence over doing the job I get paid for.

Also, saying, “God bless you” over and over again is not the same as say, buying something from me. God will do what he will…and it most likely won’t involve me getting any money from this situation. So for future reference, please do not abuse our kindness. We’re hard-working individuals that depend on commission to cover our costs of living. Please think of that before presenting us your painstaking, demanding and pointless dilemmas.

Honestly,

Scott

Mary

Dear Mary Magdalene,

Thank you for being so biblically fierce. You are the patron saint of hair dressers, and for that I want to thank you for showing a variety of fabulous and outrageous hair styles. I know you preside over each and every hair show. Your bounty is unparalleled. I know it is you that allowed the creation of weavecopter, and for that, I am forever indebted to you.

Please, in my hour of hair need, cast your guiding light so that my hair will flatter my facial features as well as be current, pertinent and relevant. Please let me find a hair color that matches my skin tone and shows my creativity.

Please be with those who commit hair offences and show them the way to good hairdos. Please prevent all hair don’ts. May your gorgeous locks continue to be an inspiration to all believers.

Honestly,

Scott

Reactivists

Dear Reactivists,

I’m getting tired of your hysteria-of-the-week syndrome. When not educated about the topics you are ranting on, you sound foolish. Granted, it’s good to be passionate about preventing suicides, but you’re a little too late. Where were you two months ago? How strong was your resolve to prevent the horrible from happening? Only now that celebrities are involved do you have an opinion? Please don’t be a sheep.

I challenge you to go deeper than the superficial and delve into the interconnections of race, class and gender to find root causes of these issues. Instead of attacking people’s First Amendment rights, how about attacking the lack of access to mental health care? Why not try to destroy the stigma of asking for mental help? Why is it now now, after young gay men kill themselves? (Perhaps it’s a race issue…)

If it makes you feel good to share your feelings, than go ahead. I’m not stopping you. Please, however have some backing to what you’re saying. It is much better to make a cogent argument than to merely vent your frustrations. “RARARAR I’M SO ANGRY!!! STOP BULLYING THE GAY BABIES NOW!!!” may sound powerful, but it is less effective than saying, “Increase education about LGBT issues, especially in middle and high schools, as well as increasing awareness of mental health services to youth so we can decrease teen suicide rates”. The latter will get you a lot further in terms of convincing the people who count: politicians.

Also, please do not trample on other’s rights to free speech. You may not like what they have to say, but it is their right to say it. Plus if it’s really ridiculous you can laugh at them being an uninformed idiot.

My attitude, as cliché as it may be, is to put up or shut up.

Honestly,

Scott

Josh

Dear Joshua,

Please stop trying to be my friend. You had your chance five years ago, but you ruined it by vilifying me during our break up and years after. It didn’t work out with us. Deal with it. I never intentionally wanted to harm you. I’m sorry if you felt I did when I hooked up a month after we broke up. You never really listened to me or took any of my concerns to heart. Instead, you were focused on you. You never understood my need for taking two jobs and why I would choose that over a relationship with you. I caught you at a bad time in both of our lives. But since the advent of social networking, we’re not allowed to rewrite the past. I honestly don’t want to be part of your life. And as harsh as it sounds, I don’t want you to be part of mine. We had a past, so lets keep it there.

Honestly,

Scott

PS. You were a bad kisser. That’s a large part of the reason I broke up with you.

Dave

Dear David,

I’m writing this because you’re too good for me. You are thin, successful, and have better sex than I do. I feel like I can no longer associate with you any further. I can and will never be as smart or witty as I feel I should be in order to maintain further contact with you. I regret to inform you that I’m too fucked up to create an effective relationship with you. I foresee that I will take more than I give. I’m not cute enough for you. I’m sorry I pursued you. I was wrong of me to lead you on like I was a functional individual. I would ask for your forgiveness, but I know that it doesn’t matter in the end. Not matter what, I’m the bad guy. I hope you have a good life of leisure. May your teas be well brewed, and your tattoos well cared for. No grudges.

Honestly,

Scott

Mission Statement

This blog consists of open letters to individuals. The inspiration behind the form of this blog is from a friend who on occasion will write open letters for the internet. I, however, am focusing the light on my interactions with people.

I am taking this as a challenge for me to capture a moment, interactions or relationship no matter how fleeting it may be and post a new letter every day. It is an initiative to say what I wish I could say, given the opportunity. It is a bit Utopian in nature, but cathartic as well. I thought I might as well share it.

As another rule, I am being completely honest about myself and my feelings. In order to access this Utopian form, I will have to trade off finding the essence of my feeling. Hence the name, "Honestly Scott". This is how I will be closing my letters.